On or around America's birthday — the precise year remains disputed — an individual was observed wrapping themselves in a flag-shaped hoodie blanket at an undisclosed location in the vicinity of Washington DC.

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Witnesses report the individual appeared simultaneously patriotic and confused.

When asked to identify themselves the individual indicated they were "An American Eagle Superhero-Angel Hoodie-Blanket Person."

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Authorities have been unable to determine whether this is a description, a declaration, or a diagnosis. The investigation is ongoing.

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PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION OF THE ARTIFACT

The artifact presents as a hooded blanket bearing a graphically designed American flag which may have its roots in the babel. The flag appears to have been made by someone who had strong feelings about America and a great deal of red and blue paint – while being unaware of the consequences of mixing two fiercely opposing colors.

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The canton — the blue rectangle in the upper left, for those who failed civics — contains the following text, rendered in a font best described as urgently handwritten:  "I'm an American Eagle Superhero-Angel Hoodie-Blanket Person"

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KNOWN PROPERTIES

• Keeps the wearer warm in temperatures both meteorological and political

• Generates conversation in all fifty states and several territories

• May cause the wearer to spread their wings

• Side effects include: patriotism of an ambiguous kind, warmth, the sudden need to explain yourself to strangers, and an inexplicable feeling that everything is going to be fine

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ACQUISITION

The artifact may be acquired by individuals who:

• Have complicated feelings about America that are nonetheless fundamentally warm

• Would describe themselves as an American Eagle Superhero-Angel Hoodie-Blanket Person if pressed

• Need something to wear on July 4th that says everything without saying anything

• Are, in any measurable sense, a person

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